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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 12, 2018 23:58:43 GMT -5
Is there a compelling reason why it would need to be mini-tours? If the interns are just showing the dads the same places but in a different order, it doesn't make sense that they would need to split up. Like, what I'm trying to get at is are the tours each visiting a unique location that the other tours aren't going to visit? (i.e. let's say the Mummy's tour goes to see Tanis's mummy case, which the other tours wouldn't visit). I read your Google Doc, btw. It's definitely a good start, though some dialogue sounds a little forced. To be honest, no offense whatsoever to your friend that wrote in the green text, but IMO his/her additions honestly make the story not as good. The dialogue like "Are those the clothes you died in, or are those ghost made clothes, can clothes die? If you take off your clothes are you still all the same as when you were alive?” just seems over-the-top ridiculous and not even a logical question for them to ask. In your non-green text, the questions were silly but definitely believable and made for some good dialogue. Also, the green text person's comments seem incredibly nitpicky. The point of a fanfic is to express yourself in whatever writing style that is, and obsessing over if a word sounds forced or not isn't worth your time IMO. The first comment about Mrs. Grimwood leaving (where the green text person says that it doesn't make sense and needs to be deleted) could be easily reworded, it's just slightly clunky-sounding and far from unusable. Only thing he/she said that I agreed with tbh is the comment about why the girls wouldn't be at the dinner party. I also kind of agree with the comment that the parents' fight could be started by the possibility of harm coming to their daughters, as a sort of tangent to how the parents were overprotective in the original film. "The fight can be started then over something simple, such as one of the interns chores is doing laundry and the parents don’t want them touching their daughters undergarments or what have you." - Yeah don't do that please, there's far too many kinky Ghoul School fanfics as there is and this scenario comes across as kinda...creepy...I guess? No offense to your friend here btw. There are a bunch of typos I noticed as well, though I didn't want to edit anything without your permission. 1. Yeah, visit certain areas that the others would not for example. Should I do that or just one longer tour? 2. I see, what is an example of a little forced? Also, for non green text, silly, like purposefully silly? That is what I was looking for(asking annoying questions) 3. Yeah, wanted to avoid kinky stuff. I wanted to do a reason thinking of harm coming to their daughters based on the overprotective streak. I just needed reasons for it. Though I had an idea for the older girls, some of them could think they have 'bad intentions' for them(as I mentioned, around same age as interns, and say things like accidental innuendos) or should I scrap them. 4. Also, feel free to edit or comment. I'm 100% cool with that.
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Post by Doo on Nov 13, 2018 11:37:10 GMT -5
1. Separate tours is fine then I guess. 2. The "I am not laughing" bit with Frankenstein would be the biggest example I see. The joke definitely has potential, but it seems a bit awkward because you have the "it's funny" part buried in the middle of a paragraph. I think it would feel less forced if the "it's funny" bit was more towards the end of the paragraph, say, the last sentence so readers could better remember it and associate it with the following joke.
What you had was fine, and it was definitely purposefully silly. The green text like "can clothes die?" just seemed a bit over-the-top and past the point of annoying. It just seemed weird, like they were uneducated or something (the other questions are annoying, but also doesn't make the characters sound stupid just for the sake of that one joke). 3. I think the bad intentions piece would work. I would avoid the innuendos piece all together, as there are other ways for the parents to think the interns are untrustworthy that don't hint at them taking advantage of the girl ghouls sexually. 4. Sounds good. I'll edit and comment when I get the chance. Thanks!
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 13, 2018 23:38:00 GMT -5
1. Separate tours is fine then I guess. 2. The "I am not laughing" bit with Frankenstein would be the biggest example I see. The joke definitely has potential, but it seems a bit awkward because you have the "it's funny" part buried in the middle of a paragraph. I think it would feel less forced if the "it's funny" bit was more towards the end of the paragraph, say, the last sentence so readers could better remember it and associate it with the following joke. What you had was fine, and it was definitely purposefully silly. The green text like "can clothes die?" just seemed a bit over-the-top and past the point of annoying. It just seemed weird, like they were uneducated or something (the other questions are annoying, but also doesn't make the characters sound stupid just for the sake of that one joke). 3. I think the bad intentions piece would work. I would avoid the innuendos piece all together, as there are other ways for the parents to think the interns are untrustworthy that don't hint at them taking advantage of the girl ghouls sexually. 4. Sounds good. I'll edit and comment when I get the chance. Thanks! 1. Oh could you write it out out a sentence maybe so I get a better point. 2. Yeah. Point is was he unintentionally coming across like that. 3. I see, though as I mentioned, in this story, girls are older(again Sibella, Elsa, Phantasma are like Enids age), so would it be unfitting? Nothing too overt, like say, this line "Oh, it's been good getting to know your daughters in all those different ways." or something. Again, I don't want it to be too racy, like PG. If not, then what other ways could they see them as untrustworthy? 4. Saw edits. Had a busy day today, so will read tomorrow.
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Post by Doo on Nov 14, 2018 11:23:33 GMT -5
1. I'm confused what you mean here? I feel like I've already explained that separate tours means they would each visit different places that the others were not, so maybe I'm not understanding you correctly.
2. I changed it in the doc I believe, like “Ah, the five of us were out looking for jobs to take and when applying online. It turns out we were pretty late and pretty much everything was taken. We had either this or mascots for Funland. No way the other was going to happen, so we decided here, thinking it was just a normal school. Turns out we were wrong. It's a funny story really.” G explained.
Before, you had "It's a funny story really" beginning the sentence, and I had to go back and reread the paragraph the first time because "I am not laughing" didn't make sense out of context. By putting it this way, you're expecting readers to remember that one tiny part in that big paragraph and associate it to the joke. By putting it at the end, it helps readers automatically associate that same with the following joke, rather than expecting people to remember a random line in a big paragraph.
3. I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one. I don't understand why it needs to be made sexual at all just because the girls are older. I mean it's your fanfic, but I feel like all the kinky fanfics out there have tired fans out with the sex jokes, so IMO I'd avoid that all together if you can. The monsters could just see them as untrustworthy because they feel like the interns are bumbling or incompetent, like they're too new to know how to properly teach the girls.
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 15, 2018 0:24:54 GMT -5
1. I'm confused what you mean here? I feel like I've already explained that separate tours means they would each visit different places that the others were not, so maybe I'm not understanding you correctly. 2. I changed it in the doc I believe, like “Ah, the five of us were out looking for jobs to take and when applying online. It turns out we were pretty late and pretty much everything was taken. We had either this or mascots for Funland. No way the other was going to happen, so we decided here, thinking it was just a normal school. Turns out we were wrong. It's a funny story really.” G explained. Before, you had "It's a funny story really" beginning the sentence, and I had to go back and reread the paragraph the first time because "I am not laughing" didn't make sense out of context. By putting it this way, you're expecting readers to remember that one tiny part in that big paragraph and associate it to the joke. By putting it at the end, it helps readers automatically associate that same with the following joke, rather than expecting people to remember a random line in a big paragraph. 3. I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one. I don't understand why it needs to be made sexual at all just because the girls are older. I mean it's your fanfic, but I feel like all the kinky fanfics out there have tired fans out with the sex jokes, so IMO I'd avoid that all together if you can. The monsters could just see them as untrustworthy because they feel like the interns are bumbling or incompetent, like they're too new to know how to properly teach the girls. 1. Oh, I meant the sentence. Should have been more clear. 2. Ok, yeah you're right. Again, don't want this to be kinky Good point. Ok, so I'm on the tour, any ideas for how they feel they are bumbling or incompetent or something? Also, they don't teach them per say, more like just help around to give you an idea. Also, since you saw with B, I was wondering where could the others go maybe? Feel free to write suggestions in the doc as well?
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Post by Doo on Nov 15, 2018 9:53:51 GMT -5
1. Wait, which sentence are you referring to? Sorry, online communication is hard sometimes lol. 2. They could get lost on the tour because they're too new to know the building. They could mispronounce names of things in Grimwood's. They could offer to take them to places that aren't actually in Grimwood's. (i.e. B could say "let's go to the workout room!" and one of the monsters could respond "What are you talking about, human? Grimwood's doesn't have a workout room!" or something like that) 3. So if B's going to the gym, R could to Tanis's mummy case room (mentioned in the film), G could go to the music room, O could go to the laboratory, and Y could go see Sybella's coffin.
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 15, 2018 13:29:31 GMT -5
1. Wait, which sentence are you referring to? Sorry, online communication is hard sometimes lol. 2. They could get lost on the tour because they're too new to know the building. They could mispronounce names of things in Grimwood's. They could offer to take them to places that aren't actually in Grimwoods. (i.e. B could say "let's go to the workout room!" and one of the monsters could respond "What are you talking about, human? Grimwood's doesn't have a workout room!" or something like that) 3. So if B's going to the gym, R could to Tanis's mummy case room (mentioned in the film), G could go to the music room, O could go to the laboratory, and Y could go see Sybella's coffin. 1. Oh the funny story sentence. 2. Oh, I did say there is a gym, isn't that like a workout room. Other stuff sounds good. But I also wanted to think like the interns can't take care of or make sure daughters aren't in danger or something(like in the movie). Ideas for that maybe? 3. I see, any ideas in there? Like how can the parents think they are unfit without making them look like idiots? For example, I had B mention how he accidentally caused an out of control garden for example.
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Post by Doo on Nov 15, 2018 13:40:08 GMT -5
1. Wait, which sentence are you referring to? Sorry, online communication is hard sometimes lol. 2. They could get lost on the tour because they're too new to know the building. They could mispronounce names of things in Grimwood's. They could offer to take them to places that aren't actually in Grimwood's. (i.e. B could say "let's go to the workout room!" and one of the monsters could respond "What are you talking about, human? Grimwood's doesn't have a workout room!" or something like that) 3. So if B's going to the gym, R could to Tanis's mummy case room (mentioned in the film), G could go to the music room, O could go to the laboratory, and Y could go see Sybella's coffin. 1. Oh the funny story sentence. 2. Oh, I did say there is a gym, isn't that like a workout room. Other stuff sounds good. But I also wanted to think like the interns can't take care of or make sure daughters aren't in danger or something(like in the movie). Ideas for that maybe? 3. I see, any ideas in there? Like how can the parents think they are unfit without making them look like idiots? For example, I had B mention how he accidentally caused an out of control garden for example. 1. Ah my bad. Thanks for the correction. 2. True, maybe he could say "let's go to the ballroom" or some room that doesn't exist in Grimwood's, and have the monster respond back confused and disgruntled. Maybe Winnie's could try to show off in the gym, by lifting a lot of heavy weight at one time, but it accidentally slips and falls on her. B could be incompetent in saving her because he's not strong enough. The Wolfman lifts it off her but is frustrated that B was too weak to help her when she was in danger. 3. Oh, I see what you're getting at. I would just say have them screw up little stuff, like one of the interns takes them outside to see the volleyball court but they get locked out because he forgot the key inside. O could create an accidental chemical reaction in the lab. G could try to show off and play the piano but ends up breaking one of the keys (good reference to Boo Brothers in there too if you wrote it right).
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 15, 2018 15:17:37 GMT -5
1. Oh the funny story sentence. 2. Oh, I did say there is a gym, isn't that like a workout room. Other stuff sounds good. But I also wanted to think like the interns can't take care of or make sure daughters aren't in danger or something(like in the movie). Ideas for that maybe? 3. I see, any ideas in there? Like how can the parents think they are unfit without making them look like idiots? For example, I had B mention how he accidentally caused an out of control garden for example. 1. Ah my bad. Thanks for the correction. 2. True, maybe he could say "let's go to the ballroom" or some room that doesn't exist in Grimwood's, and have the monster respond back confused and disgruntled. Maybe Winnie's could try to show off in the gym, by lifting a lot of heavy weight at one time, but it accidentally slips and falls on her. B could be incompetent in saving her because he's not strong enough. The Wolfman lifts it off her but is frustrated that B was too weak to help her when she was in danger. 3. Oh, I see what you're getting at. I would just say have them screw up little stuff, like one of the interns takes them outside to see the volleyball court but they get locked out because he forgot the key inside. O could create an accidental chemical reaction in the lab. G could try to show off and play the piano but ends up breaking one of the keys (good reference to Boo Brothers in there too if you wrote it right). 1. Oh the girls aren't there. They went out before. 2. Let me show you an example from my doc: “Of course. She’s here a lot. Keeping in shape.” B said. “ She was pretty bummed when it got closed thanks to all those plants.” “Plants?” The Wolfman said as if he didn’t hear right. “How could that be?” “Well, the plants went out of control and nearly took down the whole school. It was a crazy maze. Glad we got out of that one alright.” B explained. “I don’t understand. How did that happen?” The Wolfman questioned. B eyes darted around, his nervousness rising and then he sighed. “Look. I don’t want there to be any mistrust between us, so I’m going to be totally honest. It was my fault.” B confessed. “I tried to help Miss Grimwood with her garden, killed it, tried to make it better, used the wrong stuff and it went out of control.” “What?!” The Wolfman said, his tone rising. “But I managed to get it under control!” He quickly added. “And it all turned out great. We’re all alive! And it was good exercise for Winnie in a way. Hehehe. Is what I meant as an example of danger? As well, how would the wolfman respond to this maybe? Also, what other examples could I do to show that they can't help based on that? Other ideas are good.
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Post by Doo on Nov 16, 2018 16:34:11 GMT -5
1. Ah I'm sorry, I keep forgetting this.
This above line is great. The Winnie example could be fixed by having B be the one showing off, like he tries to lift a heavy weight but then slips and the Wolfman has to lift it off him. It sort of implies that he wouldn't be able to save the girls if there were actual danger.
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 17, 2018 14:04:39 GMT -5
1. Ah I'm sorry, I keep forgetting this. This above line is great. The Winnie example could be fixed by having B be the one showing off, like he tries to lift a heavy weight but then slips and the Wolfman has to lift it off him. It sort of implies that he wouldn't be able to save the girls if there were actual danger. Sorry for late response. Fixed, how so? Should I scrap it or keep it then or just add that extra scene you wrote it. Also, any other suggestion/tips?
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Post by Doo on Nov 17, 2018 15:50:58 GMT -5
By "fixed," I meant I was correcting my screw-up of saying that Winnie would be the one showing off in the gym. I had forgotten that she wasn't there. I don't think you need to scrap anything. Looking back at your last message, I see I forgot to respond to "As well, how would the wolfman respond to this maybe?" I would say the Wolfman could respond just with a disapproving "I'm not sure if I trust you" look. Honestly, at this point, I think you have a very solid foundation for a great story! I've written two fanfics now, and I think the best thing you can do is just start writing a rough draft and write whatever comes out. Realize that it doesn't have to be perfect on the first try! Even if something doesn't sound natural on the first try, keep going with the other stuff and remember you can always go back and fix/rewrite anything that you're not satisfied with later. Personally, my biggest issue when I wrote my first fanfic is I worried too much about certain little details and wanted to write a "flawless" first draft, which even expert writers can't do. You can always go back and work out whatever little kinks there might be when you're reading it through later. Also, don't be the type of writer that just publishes it without reading over it first. Some people will just write their fanfic, and then immediately publish it without proofreading it first. This is usually very obvious by the fact that there are tons of typos. I'd recommend doing this on a separate day from when you write it (e.g. don't just write it all and then proofread it immediately, as you're more likely to be tired and miss typos). Be sure to have someone else read it over as well! I know I've even missed typos I've made after numerous proofreads, because your brain just tends to read over stuff sometimes. I'm happy to read it over and provide further feedback whenever you need it!
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 17, 2018 16:27:32 GMT -5
By "fixed," I meant I was correcting my screw-up of saying that Winnie would be the one showing off in the gym. I had forgotten that she wasn't there. I don't think you need to scrap anything. Looking back at your last message, I see I forgot to respond to "As well, how would the wolfman respond to this maybe?" I would say the Wolfman could respond just with a disapproving "I'm not sure if I trust you" look. Honestly, at this point, I think you have a very solid foundation for a great story! I've written two fanfics now, and I think the best thing you can do is just start writing a rough draft and write whatever comes out. Realize that it doesn't have to be perfect on the first try! Even if something doesn't sound natural on the first try, keep going with the other stuff and remember you can always go back and fix/rewrite anything that you're not satisfied with later. Personally, my biggest issue when I wrote my first fanfic is I worried too much about certain little details and wanted to write a "flawless" first draft, which even expert writers can't do. You can always go back and work out whatever little kinks there might be when you're reading it through later. Also, don't be the type of writer that just publishes it without reading over it first. Some people will just write their fanfic, and then immediately publish it without proofreading it first. This is usually very obvious by the fact that there are tons of typos. I'd recommend doing this on a separate day from when you write it (e.g. don't just write it all and then proofread it immediately, as you're more likely to be tired and miss typos). Be sure to have someone else read it over as well! I know I've even missed typos I've made after numerous proofreads, because your brain just tends to read over stuff sometimes. I'm happy to read it over and provide further feedback whenever you need it! Well, still working on the rough draft of this scenario, so expect to see me here more. Also, I like this convo So for that scenario I mentioned, should I add it to what I already had? Also, i did want to share other chapter ideas and them move on to overarching focus if it's ok with you.
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Post by Doo on Nov 17, 2018 19:59:38 GMT -5
Oh, no, I'm sorry if I was making it seem like I wanted to be done talking or something. I'm quite enjoying this conversation as well Yes. For sure! I'd be interested to know more of what your overarching focus would be.
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Post by stardustcrusader on Nov 18, 2018 23:47:45 GMT -5
Oh, no, I'm sorry if I was making it seem like I wanted to be done talking or something. I'm quite enjoying this conversation as well Yes. For sure! I'd be interested to know more of what your overarching focus would be. 1. Well for starters, in the scenario I'm writing, where could Y go with Dracula 2. Will respond tmr. It's late here.
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